Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
