Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
