It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
