I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
