Moan for me like Helen Keller
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just want nice things and good sex
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
we're so committed to being not committed
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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