I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
