I'm going to jail i love you
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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