last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You ruined the universe
Randomize
