How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
