smell my finger.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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