It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
