So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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