My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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