I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
