you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
