im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
