Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
