oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
