Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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