So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Who died my cat blue again?
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