I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
