i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Randomize
