throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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