is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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