I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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