My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
