I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
