Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
