Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
