just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
