Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
