Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
