she woke up with a sticky ear
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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