I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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