The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
