While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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