i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
