areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
