I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
