There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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