I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
