That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
