The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
