She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
FUCK WHALES
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