my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
