I cannot find my penis.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
