So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
