Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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