the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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