i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The feeling are messing with the penis
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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