my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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