I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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